All sorts of wedding fun.

So, as I've previously mentioned, one of my good friends from high school is getting married. We met when we were nine, and I remember her from when she had thick frizzy hair and horrible glasses to when she had mother-induced anorexia and teeth-whitening phases, and everything in between and beyond.

Our senior year of high school, she met this guy at a college pre-frosh get-together. Six years later, they're getting married.

She's the first of my good friends to get married, and it's just slightly scary. Then again, she and her fiance lead such a boring life that I don't envy them at all. He is now a 2nd-year law student, and she has some job to pass the time until he's done and they move back to LA. Obviously, she has reconfigured her life so that He is the priority and their entire relationship is based on His needs. Every Sunday, he cooks a huge pot of soup so that becomes lunch for the rest of the week. All they do every weekend is clean the apartment (and get into big fights about how to properly dust) and hang out with other couples. It is a very antiseptic, very dry, very mind-numbing existence. Not that I'm in any position to judge - but really. When you have raging fights over whether or not you need a rug to place before the sink - well, that's a life I'd rather not lead.

But she's happy, and I'm happy for her. I'm just glad that it's not me.

So she's getting married this August, and I'm one of the bridesmaids. (Thankfully, the dress is remotely flattering - it has a fuller skirt than the picture shows - the first one she chose had the highest neckline, which would have just been atrocious.) Now, crankypants is not terribly thrilled with this, because it means that I have other duties aside from tending to his every need. (Haha, like I do that anyway.) So he has concocted his own plan that will keep him amused. It consists of the following:

1. Wearing a seersucker suit. For some reason, he really wants to wear one. Should I be distressed by the fact that he is excited that the Barney's warehouse sale is before the wedding, because he is convinced he'll find his seersucker there? But seriously. Not only does he want to wear this seersucker suit - which will make him look like Orville Redenbacher, I am convinced - but he wants to combine this with aviators, a trucker hat, and sneakers. I'm having the bride's mother personally write "no sunglasses, no seersucker, no sneakers" on our invitation.
   
   
2. Getting the mother-of-the-bride drunk. (Yes, the MotB is one of those controlling WASPs whose first-and-only daughter is getting married. Since she doesn't work, all she does is plan her daughter's wedding. She's psycho.) Because I am "abandoning" him during the ceremony, he's decided to bring not one, but two flasks from which to imbibe scotch during that time. But that's not enough for him, oh no. Somehow, he figures that he can get a seat next to the mother-of-the-bride and convince her to drink from his flasks during the ceremony also. That failing, he plans on just ordering her drinks all night so that she loses control.
   
   
3. Surprising the happy couple with be a mariachi band. Needless to say, this will NOT go over well with the couple nor the MotB, nor the hoity toity little private club where the wedding's being held. Maybe the MotB will need those drinks.

The problem is, I can actually see him doing all of the above. My personal fun ways in which the wedding could be spiced up are purely theoretical, but just as amusing.

1. Having Scarlett Ace crash the wedding. But she wouldn't just crash the wedding, she'd do it with a BANG!. Such as running up to the groom, slapping him and telling him that she's carrying his baby how DARE he marry this anemic person? It would be priceless. I'm already doubled over with laughter now.
   
   
2. Running around and changing everything from his last name (which she's obviously taking) to hers. Now, I won't reveal their last names because I bet you anything he's the sort of person who googles his name to find out if there are other people with it. Suffice it to say that her last name is Much More Mellifluous than his. His is icky and hard to pronounce. He really should take hers, but 1) obviously he would never do such a radical thing and 2) he has the same first name as her father, that would get really confusing. (What's that about daughters marrying men like their fathers? Did I mention that her father is also a lawyer? I see their marriage already, shallow and rocky like her parents'.)
   
   
3. Hitting on the bride's younger brother. Her younger brother is HOT. If not for the fact that he is three years younger than I am and a part of her crazy high-maintenance family, I would have totally gone after him already. I picked him up from the airport last year, and my jaw dropped when I saw him (since it had been 4 years.) It would be swell if he were my accompanying groomsman and we had to dance together. If not, I'll orchestrate a reason. Crankypants, needless to say, does not think this is amusing at all. Not like he'd be able to stop me.

Give me time. I'll think of more ways in which we could make this wedding all sorts of fun. Because otherwise, I'm going to have to suffer (with a bottle of wine or four) through this very quiet, very proper affair, and we can't have that now, can we?