I love to talk about my friend Brooke's wedding. Primarily because it is so... well, 1950s suburban WASP that it blows the mind. I mean, we went to an all-girl's school for a reason. To get such notions kicked out of us. Okay, not really. I have my wedding planned down to nearly the last detail already - but believe me, it's going to involve drunk barefoot people in formal garb on the beach. None of this overly proper and starched stuff.

Anyway, why I bring this up is because last week, Brooke was home to further organise wedding details. Must be a bitch living across the country from where your wedding is going to be, because then it leaves all the detailwork in the hands of your entirely capable yet incredibly manipulative mother. Oh well. This isn't my wedding, after all. And of course, when Brooke got back to Boston, she just had to share the incredibly fun details of her week at home. This included: the first of several bridal showers, choosing what the groom and male attendants get to wear, food tasting and best (or worst) of all, shopping for "lots of honeymoon lingerie" with her mother.

Oh. My. God. Like really. It's not like her fiancé hasn't seen it all already - they are living together, after all. First of all, I can envision buying maybe one new nightie or similar item. There is no need to buy multiple outfits, you're just going to be naked anyway, why bother with the hassle? And plus - shopping for these items with your mother? Maybe it's because I'm not that close to mine, but that is perhaps the penultimate thing I'd want to shop for with her. (I don't know what the worst item would be, I'm still trying to figure that out.) Do you think she actually tried things on so that her mother could critique? While this is definiitely cringe-worthy, it wouldn't be too surprising either. I wouldn't be surprised if somehow Brooke's mother just "happened" to be in Maui when Brooke and Mark were there on their honeymoon. I'm sure if she could figure out a way, she would be lighting the bedside candles and scattering rose petals around the room for the consummation.

Ergh. Before I get into any further imaginings that will leave me wanting to rend holes in my mind, I decided it would be fun to start a new feature. That is, what if Brooke wrote about her wedding? What fun would it be? The answer is: you would hear more about wedding registries and colours of blue than you ever wanted to hear in your life. So, I decided, that I would start writing, spordically, as if I were Brooke and getting married in August at the tender age of 24 to the first person I've ever had sex with. (Not that I'm scorning this - but it's so terribly unrealistic nowadays. Yet she managed to make it happen.) And with that, I present the first installment of Brooke's Wedding Countdown.

Dear Diary,

I can't believe it, in 130 days I will be Mrs. Mark XXX!!!!! :) I have been waiting for this for six years now, so it's about damn time!!! I cannot wait to use our new stationery. It is so cute. :) It says "Mr. and Mrs. Mark XXX" at the top in this navy blue font. Mom said that it was super-classy and reminded her of her first wedding stationery she got with Dad.

Today, Mom and I went food tasting. I know, Mark wasn't there, but really, his opinion doesn't really matter in this situation. After all, my mother is married and so obviously knows more than he does. Mom and I tasted 5 different salmon dishes, and 6 chicken. To me, they all taste alike, but what do I know? Mom says that there are subtle but important distinctions between each dish, and it could make or break the wedding if we choose the wrong one. So we chose salmon dish #3 (it has lemon slices on it!! How cute!! They remind me of the sun!!) and chicken dish #1 (I really liked chicken dish #5, but Mom said that it wouldn't do at all, the garnishing would have clashed horribly with the blue ribbon on the menus, and we definitely do not want that.)

After we chose the menu, Mom and I went shopping for my honeymoon lingerie!!! I hope she doesn't know that Mark and I are sleeping together. I mean, we have been living together for the past eighteen months, but I tell her that he sleeps on the couch every night. Because he is obviously a gentleman. But between you and me, he is *not a gentleman between the sheets. Teehee :) So we went to find several honeymoon outfits. Mom tells me that I have to have at least 5 different nighties. She even offered to look in the attic for the one she wore on the first night of her honeymoon. I hope she finds it. Wouldn't that be a great tradition, to pass on the first-night gown?? :) I could then pass it down to my daughter! That would be so cool!!

So I tried on several different nighties for her, and we only found 3 acceptable ones :( But there is plenty of time to find 2 more! Mom also said that it is very important that I light at least 10 candles around the bed, and that I make sure to scatter rose petals everywhere, since she won't be there to do it for me. I just wanted to say Mom, I'm a big girl - but I didn't want her to guess that Mark and I have already done it. Plus, I have to keep with proper tradition. After all, Mom, Grandmother, and Great-Grandmother all had 10 lit tapers at the bedside the first night of their honeymoon. Mom also tried to give me some tips about what to expect. She said it might hurt at first, but if I lay back and thought of England, and remembered that this was for the greater good, it would be okay. I didn't want to say that I really thought of James van der Beek, because remember, it's all hush hush that Mark and I actually sleep in the same bed. Teehee :) :)

Okay. I need to find my yellow twinset because tonight Mark and I are going out to dinner with one of the partners at the law firm he's working at this summer!!! I cannot wait to talk to the partner's wife and find out what she does to keep her man happy!! This is invaluable information!! I like to get as many tips as possible - obviously, Mom's are the best and most important, but it's always good to have a wide base of knowledge :)

love,
Brookie :) :)

Note: I love Brooke. I've known her since we were 9. But it's So Easy to make fun of the entire situation. And obviously, the above is a parody. Yes, perhaps based a bit in reality, but wildly exaggerated - except for the use of happy faces. She uses them like punctuation. It makes me want to remove the smiley face function from her IM.