So I've mentioned Kevin several times before. He's my partner-in-crime, and since he is always online at work we talk a lot and scheme, and I set him up with my friends and he gives me (sometimes useful, more often not useful) advice about how to deal with crankypants. But this - this was priceless. I couldn't have made the following up, it was too funny. This is more or less a verbatim transcript from a voicemail he left me at 4AM Sunday morning.

A bit of background: he likes his girls tall and blonde, but lately has been having issues finding such, and has "loosened" his standards. This unfortunately includes seeing, amongst others, a short jewish girl who jerked him around for a couple of weeks until he ended things with her. He, incidentally, is not jewish. Both of these facts might help with comprehension of his very irate and confused early-morning call (I warn you now, this is not PC, it's not censored, it's just the drunken ravings of a very frustrated 24-year-old male. So if you're going to be insulted reading it, just stop.)

Aw dude what the fuck's going on man, it's not fair. It's fuckin' - I told you it's Danielle's birthday, it's been 2 years in a row I've hooked up with a tall blonde, I was supposed to come in with a tall blonde, what happens? Short. Jewish Girl. What the fuck? Why why why why why? Why do jewish girls love me? Why, why it's not fair. This girl, even, fucking, she's like one of Danielle's, um, friends from since like sixth grade. So it's like I'm fuckin' fucked from the beginning. But, so now we're like making out outside the bar and now she's trying to get me to go home with her and I'm like nah, it's not a good idea, and she's also like if you come home with me, you have to behave, who the fuck says stuff like that? She's short - ugly jewish girl, dude. It'd be different if she was cute, but she's a little chunky. But at the same time, who the fucking says stuff like that? But, the, but aw! I don't know where I'm going with this one. She's fuckin'... Oh, yeahyeahyeahokay. Oh, it's Danielle's friend. And she's like, "I've heard bad things about you. I've heard something about you." So I'm thinkin', okay, yeah, I'm a bad person, I did bad things in college, making out with random people, I'll admit it. But she's like, I've heard about you. So yeah, that's what I'm thinking that's what it about. So what did she say? Oh, you're not jewish. Holy FUCK, come on! But this is what happens when you're not in town to keep an eye on me. When my roommate is out of town, when you're not around, this kind of stuff happens I don't appreciate it, I can't keep an eye on myself, we've established this. It's aggravating, it's annoying, I don't know why, why all these jewish girls love me and they do this crap. I want to know why these frickin' jewish girls love me and I want answers! And dude, you know all the jewish girls* and I expect you to get to the bottom of this and fuckin' A man! Ah, well, I hope you're having fun having sex with a non-jewish guy in fuckin' Carolina what, and I'm making an asshole out of myself out here on the fucking street and causing trouble. Oh, at least you're entertained. That's what I can take away from this. I wish your friend still lived here**, I just want to go to bed right now, I don't know if I have enough money to take a cab home, unless I walk over to Avenue A and take a cab back from there. And fuckin' A man, fuckin' A. I'll talk to you later.

It's so much funnier listening to the voicemail, the intonation makes it absolutely hysterical. I can only see him there, standing on some New York street corner early in the morning, yelling into the phone. But, if you're a single tall blonde between 21-35 and living in New York, and want to date one of the greatest guys in the world, please let me know so I can help poor Kevin out. He's already gone through all my tall blonde friends. Hell, I think that at this point he would settle for any height, any hair colour. Just be single, and promise that you won't even attempt mindgames with him, he's at a vulnerable point. Poor boy just needs someone.

*I don't know where he figured that I "know all the jewish girls," since I'm not jewish.
**Friend in question use to live in Union Square, and she was super-nice about letting drunk Kevin stay over late at night. He, at the time of this call, was in the Village somewhere. And he lives on the Upper East Side. Hence the possibility that he didn't have enough money for a cab ride home, it's far.