While I was at the market yesterday, I unfortunately couldn't find the bottled water that I usually drink. So, I had to find something else, and as I reached for the other brand that I drink, another one caught my eye. Glacéau smartwater. Besides being in a nifty smooth slender bottle, it said it was "vapor distilled" and "electrolyte enhanced." A little blurb on the side of the bottle reads as following:

side effects may include being called nerd, dork, geek, dweeb, brainiac, know-it-all, smarty-pants, smart-aleck, bookworm, egghead, four-eyes, einstein or being mistaken for the IT guy.

may induce sudden and inexplicable aversion to all less intelligent forms of water. apply liberally and frequently to dry people.

I guess that they don't believe in capitalisation. No matter. On the other side of the bottle is a scale titled, "your brain on glacéau smartwater." From top to bottom, it goes capable, kinda arid, electrolytes flowing, clever enough, getting there (nice and moist), witty, 85% hydrated and at the very bottom, genius (mensa material).

It's hard to believe that some simple water is capable of such a thing. I don't really know how it works. The added electrolyes are calcium choloride, magnesium chloride and potassium bicarbonate. Naturally, I don't remember any of my chemistry (so maybe I do need this water?) so I don't know what benefits these elecrolytes can give me. I'd research it, but I'm too lazy right now. (Obviously, the water is not doing the trick.)

Oh, I'm stupid, I can check out their website to see what claims they make. This is what they say about their smartwater:

after the air you breathe, water is the element we consume the most. thus, it is critical the water we drink is of the highest quality. first there was tap, then there was spring and now there is smart... biologically better water. our original product and the basis of all glacéau water products is glacéau smartwater. glacéau smartwater is vapor distilled with the nutrient enhancement of electrolytes. vapor distillation simulates the hydrologic cycle of mother nature -- water is evaporated, molecularly separated and then condensed. hydro = water and logic = smart... and hence, glacéau smartwater, the basis of all glacéau water products.

Hm. I don't know if I even want to bother deciphering that. I do wish they would capitalise their letters though. I hate it when people only write in small letters. Oh, but here are what electrolytes do:

electrolytes are substances that break up into ions (electrically charged particles) when they are dissolved in body fluids or water. some examples are sodium, potassium, chloride, and calcium. electrolytes are primarily responsible for the movement of nutrients into cells and the movement of wastes out of cells.

So basically, this just means that the water is going to go in and out of my cells better. I don't know if I need accelerated water flow. How do you know? Whatever, it's water, and I'm a brat and I need my water to be filtered before I drink it. So drink this one I will, since it's already been bought.

I've had a bottle and a half over the past day. Do I feel any smarter? Hm, does the fact that I've now spent more time in the library of a law school I don't even attend than the library of where I spent the 4 years of my undergraduate life count? Wait, I'm here by force. Plus, the law library has all these magazines and there's nothing on TV right now.