The Government Experiment.

I know that I'm going to see crankypants in a week, but that doesn't mean I can't be mopey in the interim. Anyway, to help me get over this morose state, I've made a list of why my friends and I think that he is not a real human being, but rather a government experiment let loose in in society:

1. He doesn't snack. I mean, who in the world doesn't snack? I am continually snacking. But he doesn't. There is no junk food in his apartment at all, aside from the gigantic gift basket he received from some law firm last semester which remains untouched by him. (Of course, I have removed those items which I like.) And who can walk around New York and pass up the hot dog vendors on every single corner? Apparently, he can.
   
   
2. He eats like a pig, yet is the skinnest person ever. I know this might seem contradictory to the statement above, but while he might not snack, he does eat 5 meals a day. Five!!! And each one is gigantic! I mean, breakfast is a large bowl of cereal, a bagel and a half, and some fruit. My breakfast is a cup of coffee or a glass of orange juice, and maybe a third of a bagel. When we go out to eat, he eats his meal and then half of mine. Yet, he remains as skinny as a rail. Damn males and their super-fast metabolism.
   
   
3. He eats the most balanced meals ever. Yes, I'm perhaps overly obsessing about his eating habits, but I have never known anyone who has such balanced meals. I think that he does actually follow the USDA food pyramid, whereas my food pyramid has a preponderance of fried food and pastries. I mean, he's a 24-year-old male. Shouldn't he want hot dogs and chips more? Who has a salad with every meal?
   
   
4. He studies like a fiend. Now this, I just don't understand. I'm a rather good student, but I definitely spend more of my time procrastinating and watching TV than actually working, but everything gets done. He actually can buckle down and focus for hours at a time. I know, I've spent (too much) time in the library with him. And when he studies so intensely, he forgets to eat! Who forgets to eat?! (I know, we're back to food again.)
   
   
5. To add to the above statement, he doesn't have Instant Messenger. That's right! The absolute shock! How does a student not have IM? I mean, I am glued to mine. But no, he doesn't have it! I had to download it onto his computer so that I could use it. But has he created his own screenname yet? No. He says it's an evil procrastination device. So? (But yet he's always wanting to use mine to IM my friends and say mean things. Perhaps I'm slowly converting him.)
   
   
6. He exercises nearly every day. See, another thing I don't understand. The only reason I'm going to the gym now is because my schedule is so loose that I can go at the leisurely hour of 8AM and still get to work by 10:30, on those days that I work. But crankypants studies obsessively, and then will take an hour break to swim laps, then return to working. Why?
   
   
7. He does not pick at zits nor scabs. Okay, so I probably shouldn't be picking at the rare breakout or attempting to remove scabs before their time. But isn't it human nature to want to get rid of gross things on the skin? I obviously don't have as much willpower as he does.
   
   
8. He sleeps exactly 8 hours a night. Now granted, he wakes up with the aid of an alarm clock, but still. Exactly 8 hours. No more, no less. Because apparently research has shown that that's the optimum amount of sleep a person should get. Me, I'm more a fan of the if-you-have-the-time-sleep-until-you-naturally-wake-up approach.
   
   
9. Related to his 8-hours/sleep/night, he also successfully takes 5-minute power naps. That's right. What the researchers say you should do, but once you put me down for an afternoon nap, don't expect me to wake up for a good 45 minutes, at the very least. 5 minutes is how long it takes me to fall asleep, for crying out loud. Yet crankypants manages it, and wakes up 5 minutes later, all perky and awake and shit.

I rest my case. He is obviously not human. He does have his faults, for example an excessive love of trucker hats and Outkast, and I don't know how to explain that. Nevertheless, I am convinced that he is a 'droid placed here on earth to taunt me with how I could be a better person, but am not.