Snippets from the weekend.

Scene: Leaving the pool at his apartment complex.
Me:Is that crazy lady giving food to the security guard?
Him: Yeah, she knows her place in life. Women should keep the house clean, feed their men, and always have cookies baking in the oven.
Me: [No words, just a dirty look]
Him: Hm, but I don't even like cookies.
Me: I'l make you cookies if we get to see The Stepford Wives.
Him: The irony in that statement...

Scene: Eating dinner.
Him: So I was walking back to my car after work the other day, when the strangest thing happened. This woman - she wasn't homeless, it might have been understandable if she was homeless and crazy - walked by me and said, "You're handsome," and just kept on walking.
Me: Welcome to my world.
Him: You mean this happens to you?
Me: Well, it's usually men who comment, not women, but yeah.
Him: Really?
Me: Uh huh.
Him: They just walk by you and make comments?
Me: Yes.
Him: Even though they don't know you?
Me: All the damn time.
Him: Seriously?
Me: Yes!
Him: Wow, men are assholes sometimes.

Scene: Driving home after brunch.
Me: I forget that I don't really like their hollandaise so much.
Him: Aw, well, I'd make you hollandaise sauce if I could.
Me: That's so nice of you!
Him: But I can't, so no hollandaise. Unless it comes in a box. Does hollandaise come in a box?
Me: You heathen.

Scene: Driving to the beach through Brentwood, where lots of people are out walking their dogs. A lot of those dogs are small, white and fluffy.
Me: OOOH! WHITE PUPPIES!!!
Him: [groans]
Me: I really think you should buy me Linus. He would love me so much. We can even get him on the way back from the beach.
Him: That dog has a prehensile tail, I bet. [Note: You see, Linus climbs trees. He's a monkey dog!]
Me: So we'll keep it in your apartment.
Him: It would pee in my bed.
Me: But only if you were mean to it.
[Awhile later; we've since moved on to the discussion of the number of children we (individually) want - for the record, I want 2 girls and a boy, while he wants 2 boys and a girl]
Him: You see, I always wanted a younger brother.
Me: Boys are pains in the asses. I'm having two girls and a boy.
Him: Girls are pains! Always so moody, and you can't play catch with them.
Me: What 1950s universe do you live in? Anyways, maybe now I want three girls who I can dress up.
Him: [groans]
Me: (in a moment of inspired genius) And I'm going to give each of them their own little white fluffy dog to take care of!
Him: That will be the most emasculating experience ever.
Me: Whatever, you want a pug. Like that's not a girly dog.

Scene: Sitting on the couch, after I mistakenly divulged that sometimes I crochet while watching TV.
Him: Can you make me a hat?
Me: A what?
Him: A red hat!
Me: I can just buy you a red hat if you want one so badly. Or you can buy one for yourself.
Him: But it would be so much more special if you made me one. A red one. With pompoms.
Me: Pompoms. What are you, five? Do you want earflaps too?
Him: Yes! I would wear it all the time!
Me: That's precisely the problem.