Memo to all the guys out there.

Really, if you're going to break up with someone, you might think that the kindest thing is to feed her first, then spring the news on her. So then she's full, and stuff.

But you know what? That's a really lousy way of doing it. Be a man, and come out with it at the beginning. Don't lull her into a sense of security, even though she might have earlier had the nagging feeling that something was wrong. Don't share your dinners like you always do and talk about future plans, like the hat she's going to make you, like nothing's wrong. Because that's actually just mean. And then to encourage her to take a red velvet cake home for later, knowing all the while that the talk is forthcoming? Really, really, really mean.

She's not gonna want the dessert to eat later. She's just going to want to smash it all over your precious vintage shirts and carefully waxed body board.

And those words, "I know it must come as a shock; I've had a month to think about it but I'm just springing it on you now"? They don't make it any better. But they do do a great deal to get her past any potential tears and just raging mad. And you're gonna want to hide the cake at that point.

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Moral of the story: When choosing between two guys to date, always choose the one closest to you distance-wise. Because then when the walls come tumbling down, you won't have spent so much on airfare.

Addendum: I didn't really do anything with the cake. Although I am not one to waste food, in this case I felt that it was better warranted that I just left behind. Though, it would have been great if I was one for public scees and threw it at him. It would have been worth it.