The end is in sight!

And the wedding weekend is here! [cue cheering - sarcastically, of course]. When Brooke asked me repeatedly over the last couple of weeks if I was excited she's getting married (I kid you not, she actually asked me this), I am proud to say that I could say "yes" honestly. Yes, I am excited she's getting married because after it's done, I'm not going to have to hear about it anymore! [cue cheering - real cheering, this time]

Here is the schedule for the weekend (and additions) :
Friday
10:30 AM - Bridal Shower for Brooke (her second one)
4:00 PM - Wedding Rehearsal
6:30 PM - Rehearsal Dinner (why is there so much time in between rehearsal and dinner? Don't you just walk up and down the aisle a couple of times? We're all college graduates, most are even Ivy League grads, I think we can figure it out. Ah, the extra time was wisely used drinking mojitos. )

Saturday
11:00 AM - get hair done
12:00 PM - show up at wedding site
2:30 PM - Brooke shows up at the wedding site
3:30 PM - Brooke gets into her wedding dress (What do we get to do from 12-3:30 2:30? Fawn over Brooke. No, seriously. That's what that time is scheduled for. No, no fawning. We get to sit around and get our makeup done for 2.5 hours and listen to her mother be crazy-woman.)
3:59 PM - Put on painful shoes of death for pictures
4:00 PM - Take pictures; Groomsmen show up (that's right, they get to show up 4 hours later, lucky bastards)
5:01 PM - Take off painful shoes of death
5:59 PM - Put on painful shoes of death for ceremony
6:00 PM - THE WEDDING (FINALLY)
More pictures immediately after the ceremony. Take off painful shoes of death for the last time, burn them, and put on cute party shoes that don't hurt.
6:30 PM - RECEPTION (including open bar) begins; ample dancing and drinking and maybe some dinner
11:35 PM - Go home and pass out

Sunday
10:00 AM - Post-wedding brunch
FREEDOM!!!
(3:00 PM - well-deserved massage to relieve all tension)

Now, I have brilliantly come up with a way to cope with this weekend. I am just going to drink like a fish The Entire Weekend. Look at Friday - the Bridal Shower will be over at 12:30, yet the Wedding Rehearsal doesn't start 'til 4PM. That is Three-And-A-Half Hours of time to kill. It was scheduled this way because Brooke's mom doesn't want us to work at all Friday - she actually asked us if we were "planning on working" this past week. For the love of God - her daughter is the only one getting married, not the rest of us. The rest of us have lives and things we have to do that don't involve the wedding. Funnily enough, Brooke and her mother are not aware that anything exists other than this wedding. What's going to happen after it's all over? They will lead sad pale empty lives. Oh wait, they might already be doing so... gosh, I'm mean. Must get into a positive state of mind. Time for my first drink of the weekend, perhaps. Oh wait, I already got a head start on that last night, heh. WHO let me stay out 'til 2 on Thursday night? I have not gone to bed before midnight at any point this week, and I am supposed to be RESTED for this stupid function so I can smile and be charming and blahblahblah.

Anyway, what to do between shower and rehearsal? GET DRUNK. After the rehearsal dinner? GET DRUNK (and during too; they better be serving wine. Apparently the bridesmaids/groomsmen are split amongst the various tables so they can be "hosts." This particular hostess is much better at hosting after a couple of glasses of wine.) And then go out on the town so I'll have a proper hangover for when the hairstylist pulls and tugs at my hair to get it to do something fancy. After the wedding? GET STINKIN' DRUNK BECAUSE THE ENTIRE AFFAIR IS OVER. (I'll have a head start on this as the reception/dinner better be open bar and I better have access to it.) Then it's probably out again, in full bridesmaid's regalia. And then show up to the post-wedding brunch still drunk.

Katie said something funny to me the other day. She said that she thought I was going to be the designated driver. I am never the designated driver. Never. Everybody knows this. I drink like it's my job - and when I have to be fake-nice to people I don't know, I drink even more. I was trained with only the very best during college. The ones who snorted vodka and sipped tequila out of mugs. Katie doesn't drink much. So really, does it make more sense for her - the non-drinker - or me - the budding alcoholic - to be the DD?

My liver is gearing up already.