How to pack: the procrastinator's version
Go out drinking the night before. This is imperative. Get good and sloshed. Stay until the bar closes. Remember to get fast food on the way home.
Pass out when you get home at 1:30 AM.
Crack an eye open at 7:00 AM. What are you doing up so early? Fall back asleep.
Get woken up at 7:40 AM by a friend who forgets that you're on the West coast. Agree with everything she says. Fall asleep again.
Finally wake up at 10:00 AM. Look around room. Note that it looks like a tornado hit it. Shrug shoulders and take a shower. Also take 2 Advil.
10:30 AM. Contemplate starting to pack. Instead organise papers cluttering desk into two categories: "Might be important" and "bills." Leave piles of paper on desk. Bemoan hangover.
11:00 AM. Leaf through magazines in an attempt to figure out if they should be kept or tossed. Pile them neatly on the floor. Marvel that the pile almost reaches your knee.
11:55 AM. Throw out all the empty water bottles littering the floor of your room.
Noon. It is so time for lunch. Go out with mother and sister and gorge yourself to the point of food coma. Upon returning home, decide that it is time for a nap.
Wake up from nap at 1:45 PM. Look at the latest batch of emailed wedding pictures. Finally, one of Charlie! Sincerely hope that it wasn't just the champagne haze that night that made him more attractive, that he just takes bad pictures. Email pictures to all friends who weren't at wedding. Comment on every other picture in the email.
2:15 PM. Write email to everyone on your "to be emailed" list. Everyone. And then some. Make sure to include in every email that you haven't started packing yet but you're leaving that night.
3:25 PM. Call friends you haven't talked to in over a week. Get mad when you go to voicemail each and every time. You want to talk, dammit!
3:50 PM. Shit, you're leaving for the airport in 3 hours and 40 minutes, and you have a lot of clothes. Line up all the shoes you want to take back at you. Snarl at your mother when she asks if you really need 8 pairs of black heels. Yes you do.
4:10 PM. Decide to read the New York Times online. Feel really bad for Alexei Nemov. Wonder if he is currently seeing anyone. Figure that that doesn't matter, all you want is one night anyway.
Shit, when did it get to be 4:35? Finally arrange all your skirts, pants, tops etc into piles in the family room. Take over all the sofas in this quest. Step back and marvel at all the clothes you have. Where do they all come from? Take special note of all the black tops. Must buy more, can never have enough. Wonder why you even bothered bringing shirts with sleeves and pants home with you, because you didn't touch them once.
5:00 PM. Decide that you're really tired. Eat some cheese. Have a slice of red velvet cake. Decide that you really should write a post about this. Sit down and do so, even though none of your clothes are actually in the suitcases yet.
5:15 PM. Pause from writing. Decide to finally bring in the 3 boxes of breakables and 2 enormous bags of shoes that fuckwit drove across the country for you. They have been sitting in your trunk for the past 2 months for no good reason. Contemplate bringing more shoes back to the East coast with you. Prance around in the numerous pairs of stilettos you own. Sigh brokenheartedly when you realise that it wouldn't be prudent to bring any more shoes with you.
6:00 PM. Actually start putting clothes in suitcases. Realise that there is no way in hell you will be able to bring everything back. Wonder how it all got out here in the first place.
Get tired of that after 5 minutes. Wonder how much stuff you can get your father to bring for you when he comes out in a couple of weeks. Decide to email Charlie. Look him up in his school's directory. Get confused when there are no results. Remember that you changed his name, and look him up using his real name. Ah, there he is. Send a sparklingly witty email, making sure to inquire about missing shoe. While you're thinking of shoes, look up shoes on Bluefly. Realise that nothing, NOTHING, will ever replace your favourite pair of strappy black heels EVER. Get very sad. Hope that Charlie really has your shoe, even if it means he's fetishtically perverted for holding onto it for so long.
6:30 PM. Finally put all clothes into suitcases. Everything but underwear. Realise that you have enough underwear to fill another suitcase - but you are out of room. Shit. Start stuffing. Realise that you will be over the weight limit per suitcase. Be annoyed. Shouldn't first class fliers get leeway?
7:00 PM. Wolf down dinner. Make self ill. Gah.
7:15 PM. Weigh suitcases. Realise that one is 3 lbs over. Quickly rearrange stuff. Aha! It is now 50 lbs exactly. Hope that they use the same scales at the airport.
7:29 PM. Hear father yell to get your ass in the car. Hit "Publish Post." Turn off computer.
Ciao!
Pass out when you get home at 1:30 AM.
Crack an eye open at 7:00 AM. What are you doing up so early? Fall back asleep.
Get woken up at 7:40 AM by a friend who forgets that you're on the West coast. Agree with everything she says. Fall asleep again.
Finally wake up at 10:00 AM. Look around room. Note that it looks like a tornado hit it. Shrug shoulders and take a shower. Also take 2 Advil.
10:30 AM. Contemplate starting to pack. Instead organise papers cluttering desk into two categories: "Might be important" and "bills." Leave piles of paper on desk. Bemoan hangover.
11:00 AM. Leaf through magazines in an attempt to figure out if they should be kept or tossed. Pile them neatly on the floor. Marvel that the pile almost reaches your knee.
11:55 AM. Throw out all the empty water bottles littering the floor of your room.
Noon. It is so time for lunch. Go out with mother and sister and gorge yourself to the point of food coma. Upon returning home, decide that it is time for a nap.
Wake up from nap at 1:45 PM. Look at the latest batch of emailed wedding pictures. Finally, one of Charlie! Sincerely hope that it wasn't just the champagne haze that night that made him more attractive, that he just takes bad pictures. Email pictures to all friends who weren't at wedding. Comment on every other picture in the email.
2:15 PM. Write email to everyone on your "to be emailed" list. Everyone. And then some. Make sure to include in every email that you haven't started packing yet but you're leaving that night.
3:25 PM. Call friends you haven't talked to in over a week. Get mad when you go to voicemail each and every time. You want to talk, dammit!
3:50 PM. Shit, you're leaving for the airport in 3 hours and 40 minutes, and you have a lot of clothes. Line up all the shoes you want to take back at you. Snarl at your mother when she asks if you really need 8 pairs of black heels. Yes you do.
4:10 PM. Decide to read the New York Times online. Feel really bad for Alexei Nemov. Wonder if he is currently seeing anyone. Figure that that doesn't matter, all you want is one night anyway.
Shit, when did it get to be 4:35? Finally arrange all your skirts, pants, tops etc into piles in the family room. Take over all the sofas in this quest. Step back and marvel at all the clothes you have. Where do they all come from? Take special note of all the black tops. Must buy more, can never have enough. Wonder why you even bothered bringing shirts with sleeves and pants home with you, because you didn't touch them once.
5:00 PM. Decide that you're really tired. Eat some cheese. Have a slice of red velvet cake. Decide that you really should write a post about this. Sit down and do so, even though none of your clothes are actually in the suitcases yet.
5:15 PM. Pause from writing. Decide to finally bring in the 3 boxes of breakables and 2 enormous bags of shoes that fuckwit drove across the country for you. They have been sitting in your trunk for the past 2 months for no good reason. Contemplate bringing more shoes back to the East coast with you. Prance around in the numerous pairs of stilettos you own. Sigh brokenheartedly when you realise that it wouldn't be prudent to bring any more shoes with you.
6:00 PM. Actually start putting clothes in suitcases. Realise that there is no way in hell you will be able to bring everything back. Wonder how it all got out here in the first place.
Get tired of that after 5 minutes. Wonder how much stuff you can get your father to bring for you when he comes out in a couple of weeks. Decide to email Charlie. Look him up in his school's directory. Get confused when there are no results. Remember that you changed his name, and look him up using his real name. Ah, there he is. Send a sparklingly witty email, making sure to inquire about missing shoe. While you're thinking of shoes, look up shoes on Bluefly. Realise that nothing, NOTHING, will ever replace your favourite pair of strappy black heels EVER. Get very sad. Hope that Charlie really has your shoe, even if it means he's fetishtically perverted for holding onto it for so long.
6:30 PM. Finally put all clothes into suitcases. Everything but underwear. Realise that you have enough underwear to fill another suitcase - but you are out of room. Shit. Start stuffing. Realise that you will be over the weight limit per suitcase. Be annoyed. Shouldn't first class fliers get leeway?
7:00 PM. Wolf down dinner. Make self ill. Gah.
7:15 PM. Weigh suitcases. Realise that one is 3 lbs over. Quickly rearrange stuff. Aha! It is now 50 lbs exactly. Hope that they use the same scales at the airport.
7:29 PM. Hear father yell to get your ass in the car. Hit "Publish Post." Turn off computer.
Ciao!
posted at 10:29
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