Things I did not say last night..
.. on my date with Tie Guy. But believe me, I really really really wanted to.
Even though fuckwit was but a scant 11 months older than I was, it was enough of an age difference for me to make wicked fun of him All The Time. See, he was born in the 70s while I was born in the 80s (1979 and 1980 to be precise, perhaps not that much of a difference but still enough for me). It was very hard to keep my mouth shut around someone who's a good decade older (No, I'm not terribly mature.)
However, what I think is more interesting is the pre-date action, because it shows the kind of person I truly am.
Yes, dinner was nice, we went for more drinks afterwards (Yay! Enable the alcoholic!) and he likes me, he really does. He's not even fazed that I'm leaving town in two weeks. So of course, I'm obviously not as interested in him, goshdarnit. What is wrong with me? I seem to attract the same kind of guy - Jewish and 1) Harvard-educated or 2) into sketch comedy/improv/stand-up. Without Fail. It's incredible. It's really too bad that I'm not as interested in that kind of guy, because by now, I could've been wifed several times over. No, I like the emotionally-unavailable WASPy ones. Now, that is perverse for you.
And you want to talk about small worlds? He does improv. He does improv with a company that recently hosted an improv festival. Fuckwit and I nearly went to a couple of shows at that improv festival, but always got sidetracked at the last minute. SMALL FUCKING WORLD.
And, I just googled him (since now I know his last name as I know what work he's done). I feel faint. He was married to his ex-wife Before I Graduated High School. That's right. He's that old.
But am I going to see him again? Sure, why not. I'm only here for a couple of weeks. No harm done - he's aware of the time limitations, and that I'm 10 Years Younger than he is. And funnily, it doesn't seem to bother him, because it definitely would bother me. But hey, it's his decision. I did have fun, despite how it may seem to the contrary. Maybe it's the two sidecars I had after the vodka tonic after the watermelon margarita after the martini in me.*
And then after my date, Scarlett and I got a couple of drinks (those would be the two aforementioned sidecars) and got hit on by a sketchy 50-year-old. But that's a whole different story.
*Did I mention that I'm now regretfully hungover and ALL I WANT is the Egg McMuffin sandwich from McDonalds. Yum. And two hash browns. Omg, must buy on the way to work.
Even though fuckwit was but a scant 11 months older than I was, it was enough of an age difference for me to make wicked fun of him All The Time. See, he was born in the 70s while I was born in the 80s (1979 and 1980 to be precise, perhaps not that much of a difference but still enough for me). It was very hard to keep my mouth shut around someone who's a good decade older (No, I'm not terribly mature.)
"So, does that mean when I was born, you were in fifth grade?"And this is why I can't date anyone younger than myself. It would weird me out too much. God help me when I have children. I so will not take kindly to such remarks on their part.
"And does that mean that when you graduated college, I was still in elementary school?"
"So, you really remember the 80s?"
"RICHARD NIXON was still in office when you were born! Pre-Watergate!!!"
"What were you doing at a party thrown by people in their early 20s? I just hate being the oldest one at a party, don't you?"
However, what I think is more interesting is the pre-date action, because it shows the kind of person I truly am.
[IM]I really should've been an actress; if only I didn't suffer from such stage fright in front of large groups. Because after annoying all my friends about how I am a BIG FAT CHICKEN and hate meeting new people, I saw Tie Guy in the restaurant and I WAS ON. Like I hadn't spent the past 4 hours being nervous and repeating that I hate meeting new people. So date was fine, blahblahblah, he has manners which is truly amazing, he's been nominated for a couple of daytime Emmys for his writing/whathaveyou, blahblahblah, yes I have IMDBed him and am duly impressed.
Me: I don't wanna go on this date.
Scarlett: You will have fun.
Me: I hate meeting new people. I don't know how I make friends.
Scarlett: But you do it so well. Oh, I have to go to dinner now, call me afterwards.
[text-message]
Me: Kevin, where the fuck have you been for the last two weeks? I have a date with a 33yo guy, and I Don't Remember What He Looks Like. I need moral support (and mental help).
Kevin: Where did you meet him? Is he loaded?
[phone]
Me: I don't wanna go on this date.
My friend Steph: Yes you do.
Me: No I don't.
Steph: Yes you do, you will have fun.
Me: No I won't. What if we don't have anything to talk about?
Steph: You are literate, you will have plenty to talk about.
Me: No I don't, I only like to talk about shopping and clothes and he's not female so it won't work. I hate meeting new people.
Steph: You are so good at it.
Me: But I hate it, I don't know how I make friends. Besides, he's old. What the fuck was he doing at a party thrown by 24-year-olds?
Steph: I'm 29, you're 23, and I hang out with you; is that what you think of me?
Me: Uh.. [change the topic, then repeat the same conversation for the next 30 minutes until I get to the restaurant]
Yes, dinner was nice, we went for more drinks afterwards (Yay! Enable the alcoholic!) and he likes me, he really does. He's not even fazed that I'm leaving town in two weeks. So of course, I'm obviously not as interested in him, goshdarnit. What is wrong with me? I seem to attract the same kind of guy - Jewish and 1) Harvard-educated or 2) into sketch comedy/improv/stand-up. Without Fail. It's incredible. It's really too bad that I'm not as interested in that kind of guy, because by now, I could've been wifed several times over. No, I like the emotionally-unavailable WASPy ones. Now, that is perverse for you.
And you want to talk about small worlds? He does improv. He does improv with a company that recently hosted an improv festival. Fuckwit and I nearly went to a couple of shows at that improv festival, but always got sidetracked at the last minute. SMALL FUCKING WORLD.
And, I just googled him (since now I know his last name as I know what work he's done). I feel faint. He was married to his ex-wife Before I Graduated High School. That's right. He's that old.
But am I going to see him again? Sure, why not. I'm only here for a couple of weeks. No harm done - he's aware of the time limitations, and that I'm 10 Years Younger than he is. And funnily, it doesn't seem to bother him, because it definitely would bother me. But hey, it's his decision. I did have fun, despite how it may seem to the contrary. Maybe it's the two sidecars I had after the vodka tonic after the watermelon margarita after the martini in me.*
And then after my date, Scarlett and I got a couple of drinks (those would be the two aforementioned sidecars) and got hit on by a sketchy 50-year-old. But that's a whole different story.
*Did I mention that I'm now regretfully hungover and ALL I WANT is the Egg McMuffin sandwich from McDonalds. Yum. And two hash browns. Omg, must buy on the way to work.
posted at 10:36
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