More than you ever wanted to know on RSVPing.

Not that I mean to dwell on this point*, but it is rather aggravating when you send out not one, but two invitations that say "please RSVP" (okay, one invitation and one reminder), yet only about half of the people respond. To make matters worse, the majority of those people say, "Yes, I'm coming, and I might or might not bring someone" (only made worse by the fact that on the reminder you said "If you have decided to bring along guests and have not yet told me, they are of course welcome, just let me know how many"). There is nothing quite as annoying, especially for someone as anal-retentive as myself, as not knowing How Many Freaking people are going to show up at your apartment. Especially when you're cooking. There is quite a big difference between 6 people showing up (the number of people who actually RSVPed by email for tonight's party), 10 people (adding those who told you verbally that they'd come) and 20 (the number who might potentially show up if everyone who might bring a guest does).

True, this isn't a starchy formal affair. At the same time, I did mention that hors d'oeuvres were going to be provided, and it's not like I have a magic munchkin chef hiding in my kitchen cupboards ready to prepare food on a minute's notice.

And thus, a small compliation of articles on RSVPing. Maybe I will make these and hand them out to my guests. Or, I could buy etiquette books and give them to everyone as a party favor! That would be so mean, but so funny. (Or let's be real, I'll get tispy and forget about it. But right now, I am annoyed.)

Dear Miss Manners: What exactly is expected when one invites people to a party or dinner and RSVP is stated by a certain date? I was recently stood up by several friends who never called, nor appeared at a luncheon I was giving. When I called them to find out why, they stated they interpreted RSVP to mean they only had to respond if they were going to attend. I'm very upset and insulted. I always thought RSVP meant "please respond" or "respond if you please." Either way, to me it means respond one way or the other. Who's right?
Gentle reader: Your friends flunk French, as well as manners. "RSVP" stands for "répondez, s'il vous plaît," and the fact that the French take three words to say "please" does not mean that it may be interpreted as "if you feel like it."

That's the short answer. More specifically:

If R.S.V.P. is written on an invitation it means the invited guest must tell the host whether or not they plan to attend the party. It does not mean to respond only if you're coming, and it does not mean respond only if you're notcoming (the expression "regrets only" is reserved for that instance). It means the host needs a definite head count for the planned event, and needs it by the date specified on the invitation.

An incomplete list of respondents can cause numerous problems for a host including difficulty in planning food quantities, issues relating to minimum guarantees with catering halls, uncertainty over the number of party favors and difficulties in planning appropriate seating, among other things.
(From about.com.)

Also note:

*Canceling because you have a “better” offer is a sure fire way to get dropped from ALL the guest lists.
*Being a “no show” is unacceptable.
*Some invitations indicate that you may invite a guest or date (Mr. John Evans and Guest) and when you reply, you should indicate whether you are bringing someone, and convey their name.
(From Emily Post.)

Here are some more tips and interesting facts.

New Yorkers seem to be especially negligent about replying whereas, in Washington, it is not uncommon to respond favorably to every invitation, then wait until the evening of the event to decide which to grace with one's presence, much to the frustration of many a Washington hostess who has counted on the person to honor the acceptance.
(from Etiquette International.)

And for those history buffs, how the whole concept of RSVP-ing came about:

You could say that the French "invented" etiquette, although that would be a simplification because there have always been rules of courtesy to follow in civilization. In fact, an Italian diplomat, Conte Baldassare Castiglione, wrote the first book about proper behavior among nobility in the 16th century. Many of the practices of Western etiquette, however, came from the French court of King Louis XIV in the late 17th and early 18th centuries. At Versailles, his palace, Louis XIV had the rules for court behavior written on what the French referred to as "tickets," or "étiquette." The tickets either were signs posted at Versailles or were the invitations issued to court events with the rules of behavior printed on the back; experts give different versions of the origin. And French was the language of refinement and high society through the 19th century in the United States.
(From How Stuff Works.)

You can use that as interesting information to share at your next cocktail party. One that I'm sure you'll RSVP to if you are an invitee.

Next time, I'll be taking Miss Manner's suggestion, substituting RSVP with, "The favor of a reply is requested".


*See, I'm a small stickler for manners. Call me a fuddy-duddy, but good manners mean all the difference in all areas of life. As a matter of fact, for my college application essay, I believe I wrote on the decline of manners. I sound like such a stick in the mud.
**Oh yes,the daily horoscope update: "Don't get too hung up on the pace of your romantic life; there's not much you can do to speed things up (or slow them down). Keep your criticisms to yourself." Well if you would STOP FREAKING TELLING ME THAT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE IS APPARENTLY BEFORE ME AND I JUST DON'T REALISE IT I WILL STOP ANTICIPATING IT.